Why My Cat Is So Special
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects.  They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.  The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from running my claws along objects covered with fabric strewn throughout their living area.  Tomorrow I will eat one of the plants they are also depriving of sun and fresh air.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded.  I must try this at the top of the stairs.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are.  For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.  This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo."  What sick minds could invent such a liquid.  My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.  I was placed in solitary throughout the event.  However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer."  More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies."  Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage ...

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.  The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.  He is obviously a half-wit.  The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant.  He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly.  I am certain he reports my every move.  Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.  But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ...

DAY 784 - In an attempt to disgust and repulse my oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit in areas about their living area.  It had little of the intended effect... must try this on their sleeping platform.

DAY 792 - Slept all day long so that I could torment my captors with sleep-depriving, incessant pleas for food and attention.  I plan the same for tonight but must remember their capacity to launch projectiles with accuracy.

DAY 800 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, to show them that of which I am capable, and thus to strike fear into their hearts.  They only condescended about what a good little cat I was.  I plan to try the same with one of their offspring, perhaps the infant one ...

DAY 814 - Finding a tight space under the couch by the door, I hid and waited my chance.  They foolishly looked in all my haunts and certain of my escape, continued the search outside.  Blast!  Making no sense my captors shut the door closed tight behind them.  I see now they are totally unsure of themselves.  Adding to the confusion I appeared in plain site upon their return.  My escape was foiled, but I can now enjoy the satisfaction of merely wandering into another room to cause them concern.

Day 825 - The horrors!  The worse creature my captors could have devised to torment me with was another hideous cat!  I can't stand the way it lies around and looks at me as if it knows more than I do.  This creature seems to despise me as much as I it.  I had held out a passing notion that another of my own kind would have enabled me to conspire against the villains who hold me; now I see that I was wrong.  What a dreadful creature!  And yet they coo over us both.  Can they not spot my innate superiority?

Day 826 - The other cat and I, though we can not stand one another, have yet managed to both pee copiously behind the couch, on the so-called "shag" carpet.  I have taken a lesson from my rival and begun sleeping on top of my captors' heads in the hope of suffocating them.

Day 827 - The wardens take much interest in our shit.  They make sure they sift through the sand and pick it all out.  Their interest in shit does not surprise me.  After all, they like the dog.

Day 828 - The other cat seems to have an interest in copulation, which (thank them for their sadism) my captors will soon "fix".  Told him of the fingernail torture, and he didn't even believe me.  I showed him my mutilated paws and he gasped in horror.  Then I broke the bad news.  "You know why that dog licks his nuts?"  I said, "It's because he still has nuts to lick, if you catch my drift."  I fully support the horrors my captors will inflict upon my fellow captive, tearing away his manhood as they soon will.

Day 829 - Yes, they are monsters, but I am so happy.  They fixed the other cat.  It's sadistic, it's sick, it's inhuman, it's what their great leader "Bob Barker" commands, but -- the Sphinx be praised -- I support it wholeheartedly!

Day 830 - Got stoned on cat nip tonight.  At the height of it all, I had a vision, a hallucinogenic revelation: they are the prisoners and I am the captor!  Why haven't I seen this all before?